Since I was a child I have felt crippled with feelings of worthlessness, anxiety, depression, and a general feeling of something being extremely wrong constantly. I have to stress that I have experienced nothing traumatic to cause this. I come from a very loving and generous home, and I have never 'gone without'. Although I have always had plenty of friends, I felt very uncomfortable around them, alienated and different. Externally nothing looked wrong, yet my internal state said otherwise.
With age, this progressed, and the internal discomfort I felt was unbearable. When I found alcohol and drugs, life didn't seem so grey anymore, and I felt like I could finally be present, carefree and comfortable, particularly in the company of others. Life felt like one unbearable itch, and drugs did a great job at scratching it. I was free at last.
At 18 I went to University to be 'normal', because I felt like it was something that I was supposed to do, but I had no real motivation, dreams or goals. My only goal was to constantly fix my internal state. When I dropped out, I had the ability to say no to drugs. I made a decision to stop using cocaine and alcohol, and I did. Addiction is a progressive disease, and at this point I had the power choice.
Fast forward a year, and I am using copious amounts of skunk and alcohol daily. By this point, I have lost the power of choice. I am simply a puppet being controlled by my addiction, and I am using daily against my will. No one understood why I was continuing to use when the drugs were making my life, and mental health worse. Every day was a desperate attempt to not phone the dealer, and yet another fail. I could not stick to my decision. I just thought that I was trying hard enough. 'Tomorrow will be different' I would say, and yet everyday looked the same. I felt trapped, my possessed by something beyond my mental capacity. I couldn't explain it.
At my first meeting I was immediately greeted by a group of friendly people who had experienced what I had. They had a solution for me. I was skeptical at first because I had seen lots of doctors, therapists and completed other non 12-step programmes in the past which had failed. DAA was my last resort, but they told me that there was no willpower required. They were right. Today I am almost eighteen months clean and sober having gone through the 12 steps. I have never felt so good. I have found a way to live without drugs, and actually be happy, and at peace. I am no longer compelled to use drugs, at all. I do not cling on for dear life, one day at a time, feeling miserable and sorry for myself. I am free from the torture of my own head. I no longer feel like a puppet on a string. My life has changed beyond belief.
Faye